The MarySue Roast Fic
by HiddenValor
Summary: Want some insight on how /not/ to write a Lord of the Rings fanfiction? Check out this story for a look into how /I/ used to write, and what I think of it now. Just for fun, not to be taken too seriously.


Author's Note: This is a large excerpt from one of my journals. Apparently, I thought it would be cool to write a diary about some long-lost princess. As you will see, it really never went anywhere. I recently went back through this journal and left comments as if I was beta-reading or critiquing a fan-fiction; it was quite fun. I hope you enjoy this piece of utter silliness. My comments are bracketed and in italics.

* * *

4-23-02

Dear Diary,

Nothing exciting is happening this week. My research paper is due tomorrow; I am writing it on Creationism. /_I actually got a really good grade on that paper. It exceeded the word-limit, though./_

I have a crush on C.K.L.; that stands for Christopher Khayman Lee. He is just sooooooooooooo HOTT! He plays Andros, the Red space Ranger. /_Yeah, he was pretty hot…but I've since found hotter ones. :D/_

I am making a movie. It is about a princess whose country was destroyed. She makes a promise to her mother that she will come back to her country to set her people free. /_Pretty sure this "movie" never actually got out of the garage. Such a Mary-Sue…silly Suethor./_

Love,

Mary-Suethor

P.S.

And so begins the diary of Eothryn, Princess of Audurenon. /_Isn't this supposed to be a Lord of the Rings fanfiction? Where is this place in ME? A made-up country in Middle-earth? Classic 'Sue symptom./_

* * *

August 18, 1109

Dear Diary,

My fifteenth birthday is in one week. I can't wait to see what mother will get for me. Since it is my 15th, many princes have come here seeking my hand in marriage. _/That young? Seems unlikely./_

All of them were either too stuck on themselves, or they just wanted our family treasure. One of them, Prince Charles of Hashazis, /_How very Tolkien-esque. Once again, show me where this is on a map!/_ was so stuck on himself that he would stare at his reflection all day. Another one, Prince Salogel of Nahor, /_Ah, the old reverse the letters trick. Read it correctly and you get: "Prince Legolas of Rohan"…very clever./ _wanted our treasure so badly that my father had to throw him out because I overheard him talking to himself about how rich he would be. There were many others, but all of them really didn't want to marry me; they just wanted our treasure. /_Did you have a dragon to protect it? Should have gotten a dragon…Yes, I know that there are no dragons left in Middle-earth, but I thought I would say something silly about dragons for the heck of it./_

Love,

Eothryn, Princess of Audurenon.

_/What does this name mean? Or did you just make it up?_

_This chick is so immature! Who would want to marry her anyway?/_

* * *

August 25, 1109

Dear Diary,

Another suitor visited me today. Father liked him for a while. But he turned out to be an idiot. /_How? Was he dumb?/_

My tutor was acting like an idiot again. He told me that I will never become queen if I don't do thing HIS way. Well, maybe I don't want to be queen! It sounds like an awfully big responsibility. /_You're just scared of responsibility, Mary Sue! Mary Sue! (makes growling death noises and foams at the mouth) You're just a big baby./_

You know, if I could choose who I would marry, I would choose one of the angel-folk. Their princes aren't stuck on themselves. /_You'd be surprised…being immortal does tend to make one unfriendly sometimes. The Elves, or "angel-folk" as you call them, certainly would not stoop so low as to marry a petty human princess such as yourself. Inter-racial marriages are heavily frowned-upon and come with a great price paid by the Elf in question. There have been Elf-Human marriages before, but don't count yourself among the chosen few./_

Love,

Eothryn, Princess of Audurenon

* * *

September 1, 1109

Dear Diary,

The strangest thing happened to me. For a whole week, I was stricken with an incurable disease. /_Really, for a whole week?! I'm sure it was horrible. Which one did you have? I hope it was leprosy. How'd you get it?/_

Yesterday morning, I snuck out of the palace and went down to the stream. /_Shouldn't you be in bed, with your disease and all?/_

I drank some of the water and then took a bath. When I woke up this morning, the doctor came in for my daily exam. After he examined me, he said that all of my symptoms were gone; isn't that strange? He asked what I did last night. I said, "I went to the stream and drank some of the water." My father had our scientist study the water; he said he found traces of some silver substance. I wonder what it could be and what cured my disease? /_Oh, how convenient. Maybe the silver stuff is hexavalent chromium; that stuff's toxic./_

Love,

Eothryn, Princess of Audurenon

* * *

May 30, 2002

Dear Diary,

The diary of Eothryn isn't real. I've decided not to write it anymore. /_Praise God! That pointless drabble was giving me a nosebleed./_

Nothing exciting happened today. Nor did anything exciting happen on my trip to Florida. Not so! I lie! A lot of cool thing happened in Florida. For one thing, I got to meet Belle. Another thing, I was within reach of a real alien! It was great! My favorite thing was the Space Mountain; it goes SUPER fast! And you are taking a ride through space! /_That was an awesome ride. It's still my all-time favorite./_

Love,

Mary-Sue

* * *

Author's Note: I am actually a much better writer now; maybe not the best, but better than what you have seen here. I have written several fan-fictions, poems, and few original works. You can find my fan-fictions at fanfiction dot net, and my poetry and original fiction at fictionpress dot com.

I do have a question, though. Would this count as an MST, even though I'm commenting on my own work? I admit it's in that style, but I'm not MST-ing someone else's story...well, I guess I'll take it down if the admins ask me to.


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